trouble brewing?

First major sign of LDR has just emerged. Is this a sign of many more problems to come ? I myself wonder sometimes.

It might be .

Suddenly , I feel like vomitting out the mountian of thoughts pilling inside my chest. I do feel that sadness and depression is somehow a much stronger aura , in terms of impacts. I did not have much to blog about for the past few weeks and after the sad realisation a few minutes back , I suddenly have so much to pour.

AM currently listening to 'Its gonna get better' by Genesis on youtube while writing this super emo post.

And the story hereby begins.

I was waiting for QQ to finish his breakfast just now as usual . And to start our webcam session as usual.
Then I received 1 simple sms , bearing a single common word so frequently used by everyone ,.However, its different this time around. This one simple word totally altered my mood as if my mood is a cruise ship , this cruise ship is heading towards the worst storm a man has ever seen .

And this magnificent word is simply just     " Morning ".

Yup . You read it right , Morning . But this msg is not meant for me . Its meant to be sent to QQ's special fren aka sex partner aka ex bf aka current bf maybe?? A bit of a flashback for you guys who did not know about my situation. Since our lDR began , I have agreed for QQ to continue his relationship with this guy , for whatever reason . Maybe cause i rather him playing with this one guy than with random strangers . And this guy is a guy whom i had a relationship with . Complicated much .

I wasnt angry because of that . I was angry and depressed because I came to a realisation , triggered by the sms. I was wondering whether QQ really treats him as a special fren or a BF. Because if i am not mistaken , u do not wish a fren "morning' every morning , or do you? Then , i confronted QQ and he admitted of course that the msg is meant for him . And I told him my thoughts. He responded saying that he's just sending the morning msg as what a fake bf should be sending . Nothing much . Just trying to be a fake bf to that guy . WIshing him morning. Maybe i was just jealous because the message wasnt meant for me , or maybe its because of the insecurity that struck me . QQ love for me has never been questioned , till this moment because I can feel it deeply and sincerely . But what i do question is why does he still want to send such a msg , though a simple 1 , if he treats that guy as just a special fren .



I cut our webcam session short just now , wish him luck , gave him a virtual kiss and said good nite. I really do need some time to think and to ponder a while about our current status and my future actions .

One thing for sure , I will be deeply uncomfortable for the next few days as it has been a habit for me and QQ to chat every single day . But i guess a few days of calming down and thinking will be good for me and also for him . Maybe after these period of silence , we will both appreciate each others presence more and realise how hard it is to not have each other's company .

Usually , we will report of daily activities to each other every single day in great details.I think that wont be possible for today , hence , i will pour it out in my post right now .

So what did i do today ? I went for a buffet lunch with a good fren of mine , did some shopping , window shopping i mean , was so freaking tired after that. came home , watched some drama on PPTV and waited for QQ to wake up and come online .  Thats pretty much what i did . WIll be goin off to bed for now . Wanted to tell QQ how much i miss him but i guess that wil have to wait till both of us settle down .

Current status: waiting for QQ to msg me but i doubt i will receive it . Just 1 msg , whatever the content might be , will be enough to give me a tender dreamy sleep . I doubt i will be able to sleep well tonite. Sob sob